Nobody’s Baby But Mine

I’ve been asked “how I’m doing” a lot since Jenny went away to school. The answer is: better than I thought I would, and really, really great on some days. That’s when I get the other question: “Don’t you miss her terribly?” The answer is: Well, of course (duh). But the questions, and the answers, are not nearly as one dimensional as they seem.

For example: “How am I doing?” In point of fact, I have a fantastic life. I’m enjoying my newfound freedom. For the first time in my life, I’m living alone and I don’t have to think about anyone’s schedule except mine. If I don’t want to go home until ten o’clock at night, it’s okay because there’s no one waiting for me to get home and feed them. I don’t have to worry about anyone’s laundry but mine, and if I decide to eat Cheerios for dinner, well, if it’s good enough for breakfast, it’s good enough for dinner.

I love my house, it’s not just a home, it’s MY home. I’ve decorated it how I wanted to without having to think about anyone’s feelings except for Jennifer’s, when she lived here, but even then I basically did what I wanted to do in every room except hers. My home is comfortable, attractive and welcoming and I’m very proud of that. Decorating is not something that comes easy to me and I worked hard at it!

So, I love my home, and I enjoy living there. I’ve thought about moving to a smaller place, it’s not like I NEED a home with three bedrooms and two baths and a garage. I could live comfortably in a two bedroom condo where I wouldn’t have to deal with the yard. But, for now, I’ve decided to stay where I am and I’m happy about that.

So, how am I doing? I miss being a mom everyday. Worrying about whether she has clean clothes, did she drink her milk, hearing about her day at dinner, and everything else that goes with raising a kid. But now, I’m creating the next chapter of my life and having a great time.

The other question: “Don’t you miss her?” Is just as multi-layered, and actually a little more complicated. Do I miss her? Yep, terribly. Am I prostrate with grief and unable to get out of bed? Ummm, no. It’s not that it’s been easy to put her on a plane and let her fly three thousand miles away, no, that part of this process was pure freaking torture. But, like I’ve said before, she’s got all the tools she needs, and now it’s her time to use them. Letting her leave the nest has been as mentally painful as child birth was physically. And so far I’ve done both without drugs! ?

Another question I get fairly regularly, either implied or stated, is whether I wish I would have had another one. The inference being that if I had another kid, I would be distracted by that child while I’m grieving this one going off to college. Well, sure, I wish I had another one. I’ve always wanted another child, but those weren’t the cards I was dealt. I got one chick, that’s all.

The thing is, I don’t think having another kid would help this situation anyway, because it’s not like another kid could take her place, even a sibling. I’d still miss HER.

The last question I get, which is usually from someone either much younger, or much older, is: do I want another one?

Okay, let me think about this. Do I want to get up at 3am for feedings, change diapers, deal with tantrums, and catch purple vomit? Uh, no. Been there, done that, had dried purple vomit in my hair. I’m good, thanks.

And, again, it’s not like any baby, or another baby, would do. If I could have a baby again, I’d have MY baby again. That’s the kid I miss. My Baby. My Jenny with her sense of humor, obsession with “spinning dresses”, and love for brownie’s over cupcakes. THAT’S who I would want back again: Nobody’s Baby But Mine.

Since I can’t have that, I have to keep moving, keep discovering what’s next, and keep living life to the fullest. Because you can’t go back, and there’s no sense in wanting to. There’s a lot of life left to live and a lot of life left to give, and now I get to see what comes next.

And it IS a “get to”, not a “have to”.

So, do I miss her? You betcha. Do I want another one? Nope. How I am doing? Good some days, better others, and really, really good on an increasing basis. Which, I think, is about all one can hope for.