Pregnancy…In Reverse (Part I)

Author Note:  This post was originally published 9/9/08 on my LiveJournal page.  I’m reposting because next week I’ll be posting Part II.

Sunshine started her Senior Year of High School a couple of weeks ago and the whole thing is very bittersweet for me.  On the one hand, this year is going to be so much fun for her and I can’t wait to watch her experience it.  I don’t want to miss one moment.

But, on the other hand, at every event, teacher conference, study group that meets at my house, school dance and special Senior Event, I’m going to be all too aware that this is the last one, or one of the last one’s, and that the clock is ticking and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

And I don’t want to miss one moment.

My friend and I were talking a few days go and it occurred to me during our conversation that this year, her final year of high school, is a lot like pregnancy.  But, in reverse.

No, no wait!  I haven’t lost it.  Just bear with me…

Just like when you’re pregnant, there is a date that it will all be over.  But, until that date arrives, there are things to do to prepare for what happens after that date.  College’s to apply to, scholarships to write essay’s for, sheets and towels, and that new CD holder that she’s going to need for her dorm room next year.  See, it’s a lot like getting the nursery ready.

Except, of course, that it won’t be in my house.  No, this time, all these lovely new linens I’m buying won’t be anywhere near my house.

Just like when you’re pregnant, there are hormone surges.  Little moments that tear tiny fissures into your heart and that I honestly think are the universe’s way of preparing you to let go.  It started last spring when she drove herself to school for the first time, and the day she received her Senior Ring.  Those special wonderful little moments that bring tears to your eyes, and what feels like a fist around your throat, because these are all tiny halting steps to that day when you’ve done your job and she’s ready to be that woman you’ve been raising for the last eighteen years.  Much like the moment she took her first steps from my arms to her dad’s and I realized she wasn’t going to be a baby forever.

Just like when you’re pregnant and you’re sitting on the couch reading or maybe watching a movie and you feel the baby move for the very first time.  The slight little fluttering of butterfly wings that happens in a microsecond and takes your breath away.  When you sit there and the entire universe narrows focus to the slight little bump on your abdomen and you try to will it to happen again.  It’s those little moments that take you step by tiny cataclysmic step towards a world you’ve never been to.  A whole new life.  A whole new world that this tiny wonderful being becomes the center of.  And, just like the moment I first felt her move was a step towards bringing her into this world, the conversations we have about where she might like to go to college, and where she might want to travel to on her summer vacations, are tiny cataclysmic steps towards taking her into her future.

There’s nothing like the first time you hold your child.  Childbirth is not a fun thing, and mine was a little more dramatic than most and is a story for another day (or not), but childbirth is quite the metaphor for all you go through to raise a child.  Putting their health, well-being and needs before your own, starting right there in the delivery room.  Before you even think of your own, really.  But, the first time you hold your child, or the first time she smiles at you and you know that she knows it’s YOU, her mom, not just a random smiling face, but YOU.  That’s when you know that your world is never going to be the same.    And now, you get to stand next to her at Target and watch her look at luggage and smile at the twinkle in her eye she gets thinking about the day she’ll be packed and ready to venture out on her own.

And, you have to smile.  Because it’s fun to think of that day because she’s so excited about it.  And you smile while you help her pick out a dress to wear under her cap and gown.  Just like you picked out that extra special outfit to take her home from the hospital in months before she actually arrived.  It’s a true joy to your mother’s heart that she’s happy.  And a few more little fissures show up on your heart.  Because you wanted this.  You did.  You worked hard for the last eighteen years for this.  You want her to be a woman who knows who she is and what she wants.  You want her to want adventure and learning and to not be afraid of the future.

And she is.  And she does.

You did a good job.

It’s a little ironic that a school year is nine months.  In the same amount of time that I nurtured and helped create that tiny little brand new human being, now I have exactly that much time to prepare myself for the next step in my journey.  I read someone else’s blog the other day (sorry can’t remember who) and they called it Life 3.0.  Life 1.0 is your own childhood and growing up years.  Life 2.0 is graduating from college, getting married and raising kids.  And then there’s Life 3.0.  And just like the other two versions, it’s my job to figure out what this one is going to be all about.  So, while Sunshine is busy taking steps one way, I’m looking over the horizon trying to decide what path will be next.

Because I did do a good job.  She’s an amazing woman and the world better look out because she’s coming and she’s unstoppable.  And, I helped create that as much as I nurtured her inside of me for nine months.

In the words of Buzz Lightyear (because I watched it so many times it’s burned into my psyche):  TO INFINITY…AND BEYOND!